Humble Pie

You know I can't stop wanting you,
but you laid it on like icing on a cake
that wasn't finished cooking
as your way of putting it on the back burner
with the promise to eat it later.
I'll make you eat all your words one day,
but now I have given up.
I will let you stumble on words you can't say to me
and imagine how good I am at licking
what's left of a taste so divine
that I all but swallowed it whole.
You don't know who I am,
and that's the way I like it.
I know what you like
and what you want,
but I only care to know those things
if they're of benefit to me,
so that when I gather enough energy
to mind fuck you,
you can't deny the explosion that came from it.
My experience with you has been like reaching
a mental climax and spinning out of control
as you drive all your force in the opposite direction.
I won't play your fool
although you expect me to want to.
I am letting you have your way,
but don't ever tell me that you want me again.
You've all but killed the dream of you and I.
You are my muse, my writ, my music.
That much you've always known.

Cara Hawkins 10-20-09

Wallflower

I sit and I fight the uncertainty that grips the ropes of self-restraint,
and I wonder what holds you back from being closer to me.
I've never told your secrets and I've never told a lie.
I have brought down the truth and buried it,
but the past is merely a ghost.
Your shy, tender soul will hear me no more.
You've locked up my words
and inhibited yourself from obtaining new ones.
I am bereaved at this knowledge.
I am cold with this blood on my hands.
I only write letters for you with hope that after I die
someone will hand them to you and you'll read them quietly.
Perhaps you'll realize something about me,
but while I'm living you'll never hear me say that you've figured me out.
I cannot know you any better,
but I'll still seek your soul.
The world is vastly unknowledgeable
and yet it contains the knowledge we seek
and the secrets we wish to forget,
like a child with powers he doesn't know he possesses.
We have soft souls that often blend in with the world, unnoticed and unmarred.
It is much easier to look at our lives as geometric shapes
rather than a build-up of blocks.
It's unfair to let yourself be so limited,
but fairness is all in a game.

Cara Hawkins 9-28-09